PLANET
No more Politics as Usual
SUPPLEMENT TO THE TRAVEL
OF CAPTAIN GREEN
ONE ACT by Bibi OMPH
The SET
(This is printed on the program you receive at the entrance of the theatre.)
Coming unexpectedly from a corner of the sky visible through large and high trees a small spaceship landed in the middle of a beautiful green meadow. The four members of the crew went down a small ladder.
Beyond the green carpet, an enormous mass of majestic trees closed the horizon, providing a lustrous background for a motionless man, almost naked but for a small light blue and elegant codpiece.
Captain GREEN, commanding the aircraft
Lieutenant BANK. Professor of Economics.
Lieutenant BERTHA - Wife of Lt. Bank. Professor of Political
Sciences.
Lieutenant YONA, craft engineer. Independent.
ADAM
EVE
ABEL, son of Adam and Eve.
SCENE ONE
YONA (looking at Adam coming from the back of the stage and pulling a painted wooden lion running on small wheels) - Apparently, he is a man... and if they are all like him...
BERTHA - Naked... Savages... They must be all savages. We have a big job in front of us to teach them democracy and capitalism!
YONA - His codpiece seems very civilized to me...
ADAM. Excuse the codpiece, ladies! This one was done by my grandmother who always told us that it wasn't polite to meet people that you don't know naked I believe that all grandmothers around told the same thing to their grandchildren because everyone here did the same thing I did today. Knowing that you were here, we dressed for the occasion. Otherwise, we do not see the necessity to dress when the weather is as nice as this.
BERTHA - I tell you we are among savages! We better civilize these people and teach them to go all dressed up with real clothes all year long.
ADAM (as he had not heard Bertha's remark) - May I present Bobo, my lion. I cannot bring the real one here on stage. You may not feel comfortable. But if you stay here for a while, you will meet Bobo. On weekends, I make a show with him for the kids in our circus. All the kids love him and pat him. He is an old guy very happy to enjoy a comfortable life in exchange for a once-a-week make-believe act as a ferocious wild beast in a circus.
YONA - I'll be very happy to meet the real Bobo...
BERTHA - Yona, please! We are not here to go to a circus! You forget our mission!
GREEN (addressing Adam) - By the way, sir, what is your name?
ADAM - Adam.
GREEN - Adam? Adam? The first man we meet on this unknown planet has the name Adam. What a coincidence! Would you be the first man living on this planet? Would you also tell me that, by accident, the name of your wife is Eve?
ADAM - Yes, it is! Now, look around, enjoy the temperature, and imagine Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden! Nice, but stop having visions! My name is Adam because my parents named me Adam and her name is Eve because her parents named her Eve, and it is my grandmother who knitted this little piece that covers me. But excuse me! Eve is coming to join us.
Eve enters the stage. She wears a very nice "minimum," (as they call here a reduced bikini) with a transparent veil falling from her shoulders to her feet.
YONA (apart to Bertha) - Are you sure that they are savages?
GREEN (He salutes Eve silently by bowing his head) - My name his Captain Green, madam. Let me introduce Lieutenant Bertha Bank, Lieutenant Bank, her husband, and Chief Engineer Yona. I represent officially the President of the once mightiest country in the world, the United States of America. If it were otherwise, we would not be here today with you. In my capacity... (He takes out of his suit a piece of paper that he unfolds)... I am going to read the message our President addresses to you.
" To the inhabitants of Planet"... (to Adam) By the way, how do you name your planet?
ADAM - Earth, sir.
GREEN - Impossible! Sorry, but that's impossible! Earth is the name of our planet and, on our planet, we named this one Earth Two because of its similarities of atmosphere and color with ours. And so, I say, rather the President says, "To the inhabitants of Planet ... Planet what?... Planet whatever... To the inhabitants of whatever... Oh, no! I am confused! Anyway: "It is with the greatest joy that we celebrate today the first landing of one our vessels on your planet. Our dearest wish is to bring you the best of our civilization. This is the reason why I delegate to your population three of our outstanding representatives with the mission of preparing you to access successfully the universal market. With all my congratulations!" Signed: "The President of the United States of America."
Yes, my dear people! We are here to bring you three essential components that insure the happiness of our society: Myself, Captain Green, I bring the value of money; Lieutenant Bank, the wise use of money; Lieutenant Bertha, the science of politics to deal with money.
ADAM - Frankly, my dear, and to be polite, we don't give a damn about any of those!
GREEN - This is because you don't know yet that you need desperately all of those. But you will soon figure it out when we introduce you to the universe of capitalism, the only real universe in the whole universe. As in America, we will start teaching your 6 year olds the value of a penny and make them realize that when they have enough pennies, they can go and see Mr. Bank to open a bank account in their own name.
BANK - Perfectly said! And I will explain to those future citizens that by putting their money in my guard, they will earn a little money as a reward. And I will explain to them that if, someday, they need money... No! That will come later. Beautiful!
BERTHA - Clearly put! Congratulations, Mr. Bank! For my own part, I will explain to them how with money they can own the world and become anything they want in the business or government of the country, no matter how ignorant an ass you might be.
ADAM - We don't need pennies, even from your heavenly banks. We have our own currency. I can loan you some without interest if they want to buy a souvenir of planet Earth while you are here.
GREEN - Planet Earth Two!
ADAM - Earth Two, if that makes you happy.
GREEN - It is not a question of happiness but of precision for our report.
YONA - I certainly would like a loan. Eve, please, tell me where you bought your little "minimum." I would lo-o-ove to have the same. It would be a wonderful souvenir of our passage here.
BERTHA to Yona - I know you have never been a serious member of our party. When we will be back...
EVE - Please, Adam, give me the little satchel that Bobo carries on his neck. (When she has it in hand, Eve opens it and takes four bigorneau's shells out of it. She puts them in Yona's hand). I am sure that three bigorneaux are enough but I give you one more, in case. I will tell you where you can find a "minimum" for yourself.
YONA looks with incredulity at the four black and pointed shells in the form of very small snails.
ADAM - Yes, that's our money. A small gasteropode that you can find on all sea shores. It is edible and you can eat it on the beach. Children can play with it on the beach but you cannot take the shells home. Only officials from our Council can collect the bigorneaux because bigorneaux are our official money. We never have any budget problems. When our treasury starts to get a little too flat, the officials organize a beach party. After a nice catered picnic, they go together gathering bigorneaux and in no time all budget worries disappear.
Lieutenant Bank would like to say something but he is unable to talk.
YONA - Bigorneau? I like the name. Instead of saying "I have a few dollars on me," you say, "I have a few bigorneaux on me." Vast horizons open instead of a box in the vault of a bank...
BANK, after recuperating his breath - I can't stand that name, bigorneau. There is something fishy about it... I get lost... (Bank starts to laugh and cannot stop laughing louder and louder to the point where he almost collapses). Oh, no! (he says when he can talk again) Just imagine me arriving in my bank in the morning with a big bag of bigorneaux and saying, "Guys, here is the money for today's operations!"
GREEN - Very funny! But let's get back to reality. You are not serious with your story of bigorneaux?
ADAM - Dead serious! Let me call one of my sons who must be around in the back... Abel! Abel! Come here, we need you.
Enters a nice young man, around 15 years old. Captain Green seems struck by lightning.
GREEN - Abel?
EVE - Yes, why?
ABEL - Yes, dad?
ADAM - Can you run to Auntie Marie Café and bring us 6 beers? Everybody can drink beer?
EVERYBODY - Yes, of course!
ADAM - O.K. then buy 6 beers. Eve, give 6 bigorneaux to Abel. Beers are one bigorneau a bottle. Here you are Abel. Go!
YONA - A beautiful boy you have there, Eve!
GREEN - Do you have other children if I may ask?
EVE - Of course, you may! But be reassured. Their names are Christian and Melodie.
GREEN - I prefer that. Otherwise I would believe I am in my bed, in Boston, and I am in the middle of a nightmare.
ADAM - Oh, no! You are on Planet Earth... Two, if you like. We were talking money. You see, with the bigorneaux, all calculations about the price of something are simplified. You don't break the shell of a bigorneau to obtain small change.
BANK - That is a big psychological mistake! Change allows you to capture the mind of buyers with numbers inferior to the real prices. If you say 5.99, the first thing one sees is 5, not 6 which is the real price. You understand?
ADAM - Too well! The only problem with our money is that you cannot break the shell of the bigorneau and give a value to the small pieces of it to make .99. That is why, we always calculate in round numbers. 5.99 for us are 6 bigorneaux.
